Saturday, December 27, 2014

I just got fired. Oops, I mean I quit. ;)

(“Okay, you work a God damn lousy job, you know. You come home at night, you’re tired. What are you going to do? Go to a movie? Turn on your radio? Hell no. You’re going to get a bottle of whiskey and drink it. And go down to a bar and maybe get in a fist fight. And meet some bitch, something’s going on. Then you’ll go to work the next day, and do your simple little things, right?” - Charles Bukowski)

Two months ago I started my unemployment.  For the next two months I would spend countless hours reading through the same available jobs (most of which I couldn’t do) and applying to anything new that would sprout up.  I got calls back, fairly often I’d say.  Some interviews I went to, some I didn’t, a lot of hope and expectations were on the line.  Needless to say until about a week ago I had no job and my only source of income was gambling, but I made it through, right?  I tortured myself over not having a job though, I felt useless, just wasting my days away.

That’s exactly what I was doing, wasting my days away.  I got fatter, more impatient, less caring, and fiendishly hunting for some ridiculous goal of getting a ‘job’ or ‘money’ as soon as possible.  The endless clicking and resume posting and application filling was finally getting to me…  Then, at the last attempt, I got a call back from a retail store and had an interview the next day.  I went in, I feel like I aced it and I got hired on the spot.. It was a familiar career to somewhere I worked at previously (and hated) but I was moved to a position I didn’t necessarily want to be in.  I was put on the ‘logistics’ team, which is essentially freight work..  Lots of ladder climbing, mind numbing, dull tasks, for 5 hours a day including assisting customers.  I loathed waking up at 4:30 AM just to get to the bus within an hour, then taking the bus to the plaza, sitting inside of Starbucks for 30 minutes while waiting to start my shift.  Then once I start my shift, if there was freight from a truck the night before then my next hour or so would be spent breaking down pallets in a tightly enclosed area with little room to move and organizing it in a silly numbers manner which really made things more confusing.  Then I’d haul my boat of items out, and start filling the shelves.. Another hour or so of doing that with the occasional customer sweating me over folders.  It’d be about 10 AM by now and I’d have 2 hours left… 2 hours to kill, mostly spent climbing ladders and filling spots that were empty in the store.  Helping another customer or so in-between then, or talking to the manager about some mindless shit.  Finally, it’d be 12, I was free at last!  I would wait another 30 minutes, usually spent reading, and then get back on the bus.  Get back home around 1 PM, do a dab, sit around, watch oz all day, basically do nothing except waiting until I had to wake up at 4:30 again and repeat it all over again.  I was getting stuck in a life-loop of mundane routine bullshit.

So today, after 2 months of being jobless, and a week of having one… I quit.  7 days was all it took for me, and I’m not sure how I feel about everything.  Sure, routine isn’t terrible, but I certainly didn’t like it.  Maybe if the work didn’t start so early I wouldn’t care, or if it were closer maybe.  I can tell myself all these random questions and what-if’s and why’s but at the end of it all it’s the past and there’s nothing I can do now.  Except move forward.  So, I might ask myself how to move forward but really all I can do is stay positive, put in an effort to what I want to do, and live in this moment rather than fucking around with the past and worrying about the future.  Everything comes in due time, patience and surrender to the fact that there are no immediate results and everything takes effort and diligence as well as having your heart stay true to your beliefs and following whatever path you choose.