Saturday, December 27, 2014

I just got fired. Oops, I mean I quit. ;)

(“Okay, you work a God damn lousy job, you know. You come home at night, you’re tired. What are you going to do? Go to a movie? Turn on your radio? Hell no. You’re going to get a bottle of whiskey and drink it. And go down to a bar and maybe get in a fist fight. And meet some bitch, something’s going on. Then you’ll go to work the next day, and do your simple little things, right?” - Charles Bukowski)

Two months ago I started my unemployment.  For the next two months I would spend countless hours reading through the same available jobs (most of which I couldn’t do) and applying to anything new that would sprout up.  I got calls back, fairly often I’d say.  Some interviews I went to, some I didn’t, a lot of hope and expectations were on the line.  Needless to say until about a week ago I had no job and my only source of income was gambling, but I made it through, right?  I tortured myself over not having a job though, I felt useless, just wasting my days away.

That’s exactly what I was doing, wasting my days away.  I got fatter, more impatient, less caring, and fiendishly hunting for some ridiculous goal of getting a ‘job’ or ‘money’ as soon as possible.  The endless clicking and resume posting and application filling was finally getting to me…  Then, at the last attempt, I got a call back from a retail store and had an interview the next day.  I went in, I feel like I aced it and I got hired on the spot.. It was a familiar career to somewhere I worked at previously (and hated) but I was moved to a position I didn’t necessarily want to be in.  I was put on the ‘logistics’ team, which is essentially freight work..  Lots of ladder climbing, mind numbing, dull tasks, for 5 hours a day including assisting customers.  I loathed waking up at 4:30 AM just to get to the bus within an hour, then taking the bus to the plaza, sitting inside of Starbucks for 30 minutes while waiting to start my shift.  Then once I start my shift, if there was freight from a truck the night before then my next hour or so would be spent breaking down pallets in a tightly enclosed area with little room to move and organizing it in a silly numbers manner which really made things more confusing.  Then I’d haul my boat of items out, and start filling the shelves.. Another hour or so of doing that with the occasional customer sweating me over folders.  It’d be about 10 AM by now and I’d have 2 hours left… 2 hours to kill, mostly spent climbing ladders and filling spots that were empty in the store.  Helping another customer or so in-between then, or talking to the manager about some mindless shit.  Finally, it’d be 12, I was free at last!  I would wait another 30 minutes, usually spent reading, and then get back on the bus.  Get back home around 1 PM, do a dab, sit around, watch oz all day, basically do nothing except waiting until I had to wake up at 4:30 again and repeat it all over again.  I was getting stuck in a life-loop of mundane routine bullshit.

So today, after 2 months of being jobless, and a week of having one… I quit.  7 days was all it took for me, and I’m not sure how I feel about everything.  Sure, routine isn’t terrible, but I certainly didn’t like it.  Maybe if the work didn’t start so early I wouldn’t care, or if it were closer maybe.  I can tell myself all these random questions and what-if’s and why’s but at the end of it all it’s the past and there’s nothing I can do now.  Except move forward.  So, I might ask myself how to move forward but really all I can do is stay positive, put in an effort to what I want to do, and live in this moment rather than fucking around with the past and worrying about the future.  Everything comes in due time, patience and surrender to the fact that there are no immediate results and everything takes effort and diligence as well as having your heart stay true to your beliefs and following whatever path you choose.  

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

I be a fun gi

(“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.” -Søren Kierkegaard)

So basically, it started the morning on the eve of Christmas Eve, well the dawn per say.  I woke up at 5 AM.  Hit the alarm clock on snooze about 5 times because I had left all my clothes out prior for a quick dress and run to the bus stop… At about 5:30 I had the incredible urge to use the bathroom, I ran into the restroom and shat my ass out repeatedly for about 10-12 minutes.  On top of that brushing my teeth, another 3 minutes… Eventually I realized at this point I would miss the bus, damning my ass and misfortunate I decided I would call my boss and explain the situation…. Fuck, my phone lost service yesterday; I had to send an e-mail.  After a quick live support chat assistant helped get my message sent to the higher ups, I wrote a fire ass e-mail that showed me how good of a god damn writer I am. I can speak like a snake charmer, I got words that can persuade the trickiest of tricksters… fuck yeah.

I sent out my e-mail, with a little faith and some time on my hands for the day.. I decided I’d eat some psilocin.  4-Ho-DMT per say, to get a little trippy… I took about 45MG, mostly mixed in orange juice and some insufflated, there was no harshness.  I felt the effects in roughly 15-20 minutes.. I was beginning to see geometric shapes and faces of Indians… then a coldness shuddered upon me, I tried staying warm and listening to music but nothing was really hitting the spot and the faces were beginning to haunt me.. So I moved to the heater, it would become my friend during this intense adventure… it kept me warm and kept me company..

As I was sitting in front of the heater, I grew the urge to urinate… feeling the need for a change of environment anyway I decided to get up and take a piss in the sink… old habits are hard to break.. lol.  Anyway, while looking the mirror ( I like to see my pupils ) I become infatuated with myself, I thought of how great I looked and how I could be an actor of all things, heh.  From that point on.. Things got a little weird; everything started to seem like a movie.  I was on camera now; it was my time to shine.  I returned to my good heater spot, and an urge to speak in a motivational manner, a constant questioning of what will make me happy and how to move forward… some delusional visions but for the most part it was the beginning of a loop that would eventually turn into a trail to help.  I was very emotional, tears were constantly running and I was regretting many things and envisioning many things, mostly negative, but It all looked cinematic… like an audience was watching me and loving it.  I turned to the Christmas tree, and I don’t remember exactly what happened but I started thinking, oh man what a mind fuck, shit was getting weird.. I thought then, when the going gets weird.. the weird turn pro _ hunter s Thompson… time to go pro I guess

After a brief series of cinematic-esque events I decided it was time for some music and stop rambling to myself.  I put on Dave Matthews, not sure what song but it was very chaotic and I eventually would take off my headphones because of it.. but mostly when I tried typing out my thoughts because I was getting suspicious of a loop happening, things started to get very ‘ a scanner darkly’ type of animated way. My thoughts eventually led me to the correct conclusion, I was stuck in a loop of questioning happiness..  I got up, deleted my loop and decided it was time for a walk.. upon going upstairs I was unfortunately greeted by an outsider, a house mate and being paranoid of the state I was in, I was not in the mood to deal with humans ( I took my headphones off and heard a creek, it made me paranoid and thought everyone heard me rambling and knew I was super fucked up… still unsure about that) but I felt the talks were successful, I sounded very nasally.

I put on my headphones and began listening to some Black Crowes, it wasn’t going well and I was beginning to get stuck in the what will make me happy question then… then I began what I call, believing I was insane.. I was thinking I was forever stuck in a loop, I would keep asking questions that couldn’t be answered, my future was nothing if I only ask questions that have no answers.. the only answer is in yourself.. and yourself is universal, you affect everything and being a good as a man you can be, a leader of a tribe, a true warrior to what you believe in and yourself.. that is the only answer… rather than question everything and putting myself into hell by forever asking questions and sinking into a comfortable depression, reality set in… Then, I realized all the mind games I play were playing with me, negative emotions ranging from manipulation to self-deprecation, it was a lesson to stop fucking with what doesn’t need to fucked with… Accept life as it is, the mind games make you insane, the mind makes you insane, asking rather than doing will make you insane.. you must take action and accept what happens.. happens., move forward and never look back, for you are forever in the present and can only affect yourself and eventually others, by being a positive role model you affect others.. help the world by helping yourself.

I came home and after a series of depressing thoughts, eventually thinking if I tell anyone that they’d know I was insane, and that I was foreseeing a bunch of negative events, I can’t live like that.. Life is my movie, I’m the director, and how do I want it to play out? Being the sad shitty character is loveable but stop being a character.. an actor,…and instead be the director that acts on his life… that’s all that matters.  But I was just thinking I was insane and stuck in this negative ass loop, I couldn’t get out… after a few shuffle songs I stumbled upon an Allan Watts lecture that helped me snap out of it.. And then I noticed a bug crawling on the wall… I watched the spider crawl for about 30 minutes while listening to watts and concentrating on my breaths.. Living in the present.. The spider is no better than me, I am as good as the spider… we help each other, he kills bugs while I help him live… there is a mutual agreement.. If I treat everyone as an equal and everything as an equal then we live in harmony.. Spread the peace and patience and just watch and learn.. Look at life with a positive outlook and stop rushing and panicking and take joy in what you love.. Do what your heart yearns but be as good to yourself and others and fuck the rest.. Be what you can be.. Which is anything.

I think I’m going to take up some sort of ideals that seem good, whatever, more seriously…. I want to be a better man. I will look at life with a more positive outlook, I will stop looking at the bad and look at what I do have, which is a lot more than most, and a lot of love and chances have been given to me.. I’m smart, good looking, intelligent, and have all the capability to do anything in the world I want to.. I need to be a better man, be the role model I would want look upto and in the mean time stay true to my ideals and beliefs, and live life as myself but for others, because I am everyone…. I must be a leader and I will affect everyone around me as not a follower, but as someone they can look up to.. I will excel and be a great man, that is what I’m supposed to do, that’s how I will affect the world.. With integrity, confidence, nobility, kindness, acceptingness, and an overall ‘ good vibe’

Mushrooms are some shit, they brought me to a place that I didn’t want to go but was necessary to see.. I’ve seen and lived the mistakes I’ve made but in the midst of all the chaos I’ve created there is a great future ahead…. I have all the power now and have learned a great lesson in life and how I can move forward from the grips of self-pity, excuses, stagnancy, and a lack of leadership… and become the man I want to be.. Shalom, be the man you want to be and treat others as equals… life is great and the possibilities are endless…

I type like “The dog is good… yes the dog is good”  I think it’s because that’s how I put the actual pause when I talk, I type like how I would be talking.. Is that a good or bad thing?  Just a weird pattern I’ve noticed.  So yes, I had a good trip looking back on it, a little loopy and lovey there but hey that’s what it’s all about or something along those lines.


It's Christmas eve and I'm going to be attending some sort of 'gathering' in a few hours if you will so I have time to waste, and decided... why not?  After a little push from a friend I decided to make a 'blog'... Something I've been contemplating for a while but avoiding for no particular reason except being stagnant about doing things because of it not being perfect and having expectations or something like that... But anyway, I've always been called a story teller in my group of friends, I love stories... Pointing out the little details and showing exclamation the great emotions shown in the midst of those times.... All the great things that are often necessary in order to tell a 'good' story... So I figured I'd share some of my stories and the continuing 'life story' that I am currently partaking in.  Lol.